What won’t happen in the Pre-Budget Report

Tomorrow Alistair Darling will announce his pre-budget report – hailed by many as the most important in a generation. It will certainly be the most significant of his career.

It’s not the best kept secret that Mr. Darling will move to temporarily cut VAT to 15% as part of the Government’s £25bn tax relief plan. We can expect radical action from Labour and all-round head shaking from the newly-nasty Tories.

There are calls for one-off tax credits for the poorest off, a reduction in corporation tax and greater stick type incentives for the long-term unemployed.

Apart from that, the content of the announcement is pretty much  any one’s guess. Here’s what won’t happen:

• Alistair Darling and Gordon Brown read out a joint statement sincerely apologising for the way they have destroyed the economy. “We got us into this mess with an unsustainable culture of easy debt and endless borrowing. But, trust us, more of the same is just what we need to fix it.” To reiterate his sincerity, Brown attaches a lie-detector machine to his temples, which immediately explodes.
• After stunned silence reverberates through the chamber, David Cameron leads the clapping which slowly turns into rapturous, adoring applause.
• Mr. Darling holds up his red briefcase for the cameras which falls open, exposing its contents as no more than an apple core and a Mr. Men book.
• Cameron and Brown agree to ‘forget our differences’ before embracing in compassionate man hug, sobbing.
• Mr. Darling criticises the EU directive keeping VAT at a minimum of 15%, calling EU commissioners “garlic-munching spoil sports”.
• Nick Clegg puts forward an authoritative and exhaustively researched financial rescue plan that will allow Britain to avoid recession and reduce taxes whilst increasing public spending and employment levels. The plan is universally acclaimed.
• George Osbourne sings the MPs out with a rendition of Chas and Dave’s “Ain’t No Pleasing You”.